Up Close And Personal: A Message That Our Trustworthy Democrat Won’t Erase

Dear Hil (it’s okay if I call you that, right?),

I hope this message finds you well.

There’s been an awful lot about your so-called scandals blowing up the media lately. It concerns me – as a citizen and as a journalist who works for a small newspaper in Brooklyn, New York. So, I thought I’d e-mail you, woman to woman, professional to professional, to talk about a few of the hurdles you’ve managed to jump over in the past few decades.

I’m sure you know that presidential hopefuls slip up every now and then…Wait – you didn’t officially announce your run for president in 2016, did you? Is that an idea you’re still playing with? You can tell me – I’m great at keeping secrets!

First of all, kudos to you, as former first lady, for standing behind Bubba all of those years even though he “didn’t have sexual relations with that woman” back in the day. We all know you had a motive behind keeping Slick Willie around – isn’t that right? Didn’t you just want to beat the crap out of that Lewinsky chic? You can confide in me about that – woman to woman, you know?

I’m also curious what you thought about a Brooklyn-based Hasidic newspaper removing you from the White House Situation Room back in 2011when they caught Bin Laden. With all of your political power, I’m sure you dealt with it in a mature manner in front of the press…but how did you really feel? You can be honest with me – I won’t tell anyone and I’m sure no one else will be reading your response – this is your personal e-mail, isn’t it???

When they started to subpoena your e-mails, didn’t you feel just a little violated? I mean, here you are, a highly respected Democrat, former secretary of state and former first lady.... and your authority is being questioned – by the authorities!

What were you thinking when you told the press that your decision to send State Department e-mails through a private e-mail server was a matter of "convenience"? I thought it was common knowledge – especially to an educated and strong woman such as yourself – to separate your personal business from your professional business.

If you have nothing to hide, why did you allegedly delete all those messages? If you did talk to anyone about the Benghazi attacks, don’t you think it’s time to come clean about those correspondences? Suuuuuuuuure, investigations haven’t found anything particularly suspicious in your e-mails (that must have been pretty invasive!). But if you withheld some of those messages, what good does that do our country?

How does it feel to have your reputation and presidential “values" questioned? I know, you’ve still got the backing of plenty of Democrats who say lots of politicians have used their person e-mails to conduct professional business– but those damned Republicans… How are you going to deal with their plans to smear your possible campaign?

I can tell you, from experience, that it’s sooooooo simple to separate your e-mail accounts. I would never attempt to give my personal e-mail to people with whom I have professional relationships. 

This is just between us, but my boss yelled at me SEVERAL TIMES for allowing residents, civic leaders and politicians – or any professional contact – to reach out to me through my personal e-mail. After all, there are matters that our entire business needs to be kept apprised of – and why would I discuss personal matters with my friends via a business account? Common sense plays a big role here, don’t you think, Hil?

If there's something one of my professional contacts needs to say - let them say it to the company through a public correspondence. After all, I really wouldn't want my boss thinking I was planning or plotting something with a professional contact behind my boss' back. That's just not professional! Am I right Hil?

I’d love to know what you're going to do with your new e-mail account and how you're going to organize who you correspond with through different e-mails... It can get messy, believe me! 

What's your new private e-mail going to be anyway? If you need someone to walk you through the process of setting up another address, I’d be more than happy to help! Oh, just don’t tell anyone, since we don’t want people thinking you’re not tech savvy enough to create an account all by yourself.

By the way, I’m not a democrat and I’m not crazy about liberal media, but that’s okay – my political choices are confidential, and you won't tell anyone....right?

Conservatively Yours,

Dara Mormile